Some Things about Dating (or a Serious Lack Thereof)
I would like to dedicate the following post to my dating history…
The post is now over.
Oh, good Lord … if only I were kidding.
I wish for your sake that the next few pages were overflowing with juicy tips and tricks to help us navigate the mysterious and elusive world of dating. But if anyone continues to be eluded by that world, it is I, dear friends … it is I. However, below, I have penned a short poem dedicated to adequately and eloquently interpret my experiences with dating. … Eh-hem (that was a throat-clear):
Dear males,
Why the heck aren’t you asking me out?
I’m mad at you.
(But seriously, let’s go to dinner.)
Alright, alright, I will not make any further attempts at poetry in this book (mostly because the last one was genius and I won’t be able to top it). Moving on …
Newsflash!!! Dating kinda sucks.
And by kinda, I mean mostly—it’s mostly sucky. If the former sentiment seems to drip with cynicism and bitterness, you have interpreted it correctly. But it somehow seems to suck when we’re not dating too; at least it feels that way for me a lot of the time. That’s because dating can range from feeling overwhelmingly fun and adventurous and exciting to unbearably miserable and daunting and confusing. Unfortunately, many of my experiences have erred on the side of the latter. Yet, in a twisted kind of way, I can’t wait to be dating someone again soon. Wow. Girls are the weirdest. …
The reality here is, if you’re a twenty-something gal trying to follow the Lord, every dating relationship matters. Each one should hold the potential of something with sacred importance—and that would be marriage. What’s so difficult about dating, and followed by the dreaded “not dating,” is that when relationships end, it’s hard not to feel as if the dream of marriage drifts further and further away. Whether that former relationship was amazing or less than stellar, its end is usually accompanied by a period of grieving—and, in many senses, the loss of a dream. The grieving feels exhausting, and the exhaustion is the really sucky part.
But every relationship, whether healthy or harmful, holds significance. Dating as a Christ-follower is so much more significant than merely spending time or sharing moments with a person of interest. It includes those things, yes, but it also includes so much more, or at least it should. Even if we approach dating casually, we soon realize that intertwining our lives and emotions and experiences with another person is meant to be taken seriously.
And dating as a twenty-something likewise needs to be taken seriously.
Not in the creepy “Hey, we just met, and I’m picturing our kids with your blue eyes and my brown hair” kind of way, but “with the endgame in mind” kind of way. And just sister to sister, if you or the person you’re dating right now isn’t taking this thing seriously, you may need to pause and recalibrate. Your emotions, your time, your future—his emotions, his time, his future—are always at stake. I say that not to scare you, but to save you—hopefully, from unnecessary heartache or regret or emotional turmoil … all of which I’ve experienced personally in the last year of dating.
Because it’s hard to leave a dating relationship completely unaffected.
We always take things from the other person, and we always leave something behind. Therefore, we can’t afford to be as casual as we may want to be in our dating lives. Or maybe you’re in a season when you’ve been burned by too many relationships gone wrong. They started out seriously but ended in serious heartache. So now all you want to do is get out there and have fun and only date the guys who are only looking to keep it “casual.”
What we fail to realize about this approach (until later, at least) is that those relationships are just temporary fixes for a much bigger wound. We believe a casual hookup here or a little make-out session there is innocent because we don’t feel invested in those people. We end up giving our bodies away casually because we think they belong to us. But our bodies don’t belong to us, or to those other people either, for that matter.
Or maybe you fall on the other end of the spectrum, where it’s easy for you to keep your hands to yourself, but your heart is an emotional free-for-all. You use the people around you as safety nets for your feelings, but you get angry at them when they no longer want to just stay friends. Maybe where we’re uncomfortable sharing our bodies, we feel right at home sharing the deepest parts of ourselves with prospects who aren’t there for the long haul. That’s not fair either—to them or to us.
So what the heck is the answer for when we’re dating or have a serious lack thereof?
Well, first of all, I may be the least-qualified person to answer that question. However, there’s one thing I have learned and honestly believe, and that’s not to take either season casually.
If and when you’re dating, date serious people:
Those who are serious about you and about figuring out what your future together is or isn’t.
Ones who are serious about their relationship with Jesus and serious about serving Him with their lives.
Those who are serious about investing not only in your relationship, but also in the other meaningful relationships they have.
Ones who are serious about their job and profession and investing in things that matter.
Those who are serious about not taking sex lightly—and everything that leads up to sex.
And, finally, people who don’t take themselves too seriously, but who are serious about you and about getting to know you, and who are more interested in your character than your body type.
If and when you’re not dating, take that season seriously too:
Because when we are too casual about anything, we tend to let our guard down.
When we let our guard down, we typically do more or give up more or sacrifice more than we thought we were willing to—which usually leads to regret.
And giving away any part of ourselves or our bodies or our hearts is a serious business.
I’m also learning that I can’t afford to be as casual as my laid-back, easygoing self wants to be in my dating life. That doesn’t mean I can’t be lighthearted or joyful about my approach to it, but it does mean that whenever people are involved in my life and I’m involved in theirs, it matters. If I’m in a life season when I’m not serious about my walk with Christ or my other relationships, or about aiming to be healthy and holy, then maybe it’s not the best time for me to be dating at all. Because then I’ll expect that person to fill the areas where I’m lacking, which is both unfair and unwise—and space meant only to be filled by Christ.
And Christ cares about the way that I date, and who I date, and what I do with my time and thoughts when I’m not dating.
He cares about how I treat people and how I’m treated. He cares when I give too much of myself away, either physically or emotionally—not because He’s angry with me, but because He knows our lives and hearts were meant to be set completely on Him. So before I give myself to someone in marriage, I can’t be casual about who I join myself to emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Because, ultimately, those things are meant to be shared entirely with only one person for one lifetime.
Finally, and most significantly, remember that the God we serve never takes His relationship with us, or anyone else, lightly.
He loves fully, He gives consistently, and He restores completely.
If I’m serious about Jesus and His love for me, I know I’m in the best position possible to be serious about others, including the people I go out with. That’s what I’m learning in my dating life today—or, more specifically right now, in my serious lack thereof.
So it turns out I had a little bit more to say about this than I initially thought. And now the post really is over.